Doesn't Feel Easy

The world seemed easier when I was 4
When all there was to life was play
and use rock, paper, scissors to settle a score.
When all you had on your plate were ABCs
To get your pain fixed with a simple band aid
When you scraped your knee.

The world seemed easier when I was 6
When you’d take a ball and stack up bricks
You’d hit the stack hard to make it fall with all your might
You’d think you had tasted victory when your team won
Just to feel that thrill, you would do it again every night.

The world seemed easier when I was 8
When winning a Mario Bros game was more popular than Fortnite
The clashes for consoles with your siblings were equally competitive
But none of you would go down without a fight

The world seemed easier when I turned 10
I remember, in school I switched a pencil for a pen
I felt like an adult alright, middle school here I come
all ready to clean my dirty PT shoes with a chalk and turn them white

The word seemed easier when I was 12
When library period now consisted of
Switching from tinkle digests
To reading newspapers kept on shelves

The world got confusing when I turned 14
When liars and broken friendships came into the scene
I wondered at that age too
Why the people I held so close
Started to make relationships feel utterly mean

I bounced back when I turned 16
When I became resilient towards shallow characters
And their empty words in between.

The world got real at 18
A little too real, I feel
When being unemotional and crass became the new cool
And instead of communicating your thoughts
You were applauded for being ‘level headed’
And having a heart of steel.

The world post 20, seemed heavier still
Happier yet heavier with the thought
That not everyone will return your goodwill
Where the cutthroat competition would make you feel like roadkill

But you’ll come out wiser
When you will learn to choose to keep certain people at bay
You will understand that the world has much more to it than the usual black and white
And life will finally make sense when you’ll find comfort in reading the grey.

You Are Enough

I do my hair; I wipe my tears and the makeup with it
I say out loud to my reflection in the mirror “I am easy to love”.
I am easy to love and I refuse to believe otherwise.
Communication, respect and encouragement are basic and I let someone have the power over me to make me feel crazy for asking for it in the capacity I did.

I’m not easy to forget. Oh, this is a tough one!
You looked me in the eye and told me I’m not someone that anyone will forget.
The lack of calls or texts, the feeling of being unwanted
The constant choosing of someone else over me tells me otherwise, love.

I am enough. The wrong ones made me feel the opposite.
It took some getting used to this but I know I’m strong.
You’ll always be inadequate and beyond the ones who aren’t equipped to handle your fire
You don’t become wrong in your existence overnight
You are enough.
The ones who can’t wrap their heads around you make you feel the opposite.  

City On Lockdown

They tell me you were vast before
that you didn’t have walls blocking the view
They swore they could see the park and beyond
Lucky were the chosen few who saw the skies blue

They tell me I used to love to play
To hide behind the cars with my friends
And out came the memory of never wanting to go home
The wind catching my hair while falling down - the only thing my mind replayed.

They tell me stories of foolishness
They tell me stories of playing games where there was a thrill to survive
“I remember jumping the barriers of adjacent houses”,    said my father with a playful glint in his eye.
“I remember making your grandma mad
 I remember because I knocked up a beehive.”

They tell me they ripped the city apart One lane and town at a time“I wish I had a youth like you”, I say,“I wish I could press rewind.”

What I’d never believe is when they’d tell me you’ll be empty
But here I am seeing your leaves wither away
The people all holed up inside their comforts
This is one season, I wish, didn’t stay.

They tell me you’ll someday get back on track
You have to, you see!
I want the kids running and dogs playing and for the neighbours to meet and laugh
I want the subtle joys of life back.

I know it’s a city on lockdown
but the dilemma is -
I got a whole suitcase of childhood memories I’ve got to unpack.    

Easy to Lose Yourself

We live in a world where it is easy to lose sight of yourself. It’s because we spend hours waiting on a message or call from that special someone that is probably out on another date and didn’t give our message a second glance. We base our self-worth on the number of likes our Instagram posts get. We corrupt the value of the love we have to give and that we deserve on whether or not we made it onto someone’s story on a special anniversary or birthday. We spend most of our time working our minds dry into overthinking about the ‘what ifs’ circling matters that can be solved with a simple conversation. Relationships have watered down to putting on a show of how happy a couple you are on social media but in reality, we tend to put important issues on the backburner in the name of giving the other person this vague concept we call ‘space’ nowadays. We simply move on from gut wrenching fights with loved ones, consisting of friends and family, without an actual apology because we talk ourselves into thinking abuse masked as love is love after all and that’s normal. It isn’t normal. We go out of our way to do things for people who wouldn’t budge an inch for us. But we do it anyway because we feel that our actions somewhere might change the ones we so wrongly choose to keep in our lives despite backlash from those who, in reality, would cross oceans and mountains for us. 

It is easy to lose sight of ourselves because the validation of the superficial outer world feels better in those moments, where we dread to be alone with our thoughts so damn much that we simply look away from parts within us that we ourselves haven’t accepted. Because its better to turn a blind eye to your rough edges that you see so clearly in the mirror of your journey than fix them and face the same truth that makes you the greatest version of yourself

One Eighty Five

I’ll always remember the ride we took
Deep inside the forest nook,
Where the winds blew cold
And the tree branches shook,
And I remember the feeling of my eyes being hooked

Hooked onto the wonder that I’m alive
Alive to see an adventure beyond you and I,
Makes me feel that I’m not just here to survive
It’s that 2am empty road I wanna drive,
Gassing the engine up at maybe one eighty-five.

One eighty-five past the cold that gives the chill  

One eighty-five past that endless hill,
Past the meadows and mountains and the broken windmill
One eighty-five one last time for my heart, just to feel the thrill.

So, take me back to where the skies are blue
Where it felt like all my dreams will come true,
While you stare at it and call it new
But all I’ll see would be a dark sapphire hue.

Take me back to where the streets run full
Where the people and the city have a certain pull,
Where the aura feels like it’s the final call
The final call where bad luck won’t befall. 

Take My Hand, I’m Going to See This Through

You look broken, almost shattered really.The pain and burden weighing you downYou say you’ve felt like this your whole lifeHeavy is the head that wears the crown.

It comes and goes in bouts
you’re losing faith with each passing day
You say you’ve felt empty your whole life
That you wouldn’t recognize healthy if it came your way.

So, you start to pick the pieces up
The tears seem to blur your vision
You shut your eyes and squeeze them hard
Hoping it’ll stop the hurt and create a diversion.

It’s tough being vocal
It’s tough to put on a brave face
You say you’ve felt like this your whole life
The eyes tell me it’s peace you chase.

You bore the brunt of brutal actions
You were at the receiving end of harsh words said with no regret,
Yet your heart was open and understanding
You just don’t get it, do you?
You function from beyond a point of where the world has been set.

So, I ask you to breathe,
To take my hand and leave behind what worries you
It isn’t easy,
because the way you push back doesn’t feel new
I stand my ground and pull you in
To make you realize that we’re going to see this through

You looked broken, almost shattered really
The day that I met you
And you began to pick the pieces up again
But this time, we’re together, hand in hand
Staring at the view
Gazing, at a better you.

Did You See Me?

I longed for your feathered touch the day we crossed paths
But I couldn’t be unabashedly truthful of all the ways I wanted it in
So I walked the other way
Your eyes and lips leaving behind an itching taste in my mouth
Did you see me or did I see you?

Subtle smirks turned into full blown laughs
Subtle touches to hugs I’ve come to love
I think I liked the way you told me about the things that gave you the jitters
But I love the way you want to be held but wouldn’t show
Would ever quit acting that you’re tough?
I think you saw me too the way I see you.

We got too comfortable and like everything
all good things must come to an end
It was through a painful journey I saw you become a fiend.
So, I asked you to love me one more time
Just the way you did that one summer night
The stars were bright but your hold on me felt a little too tight.
Did you ever really see me or did I see you?

If I look closely your reminiscents still exist within me
I dislike it but I could never hate it
But I tend not to dwell because of the light I found within myself
It was my mind and heart that got set
On this image of your nasty aura but pretty little face
But I never wish that we hadn’t met.

I’d do it all again in a heartbeat
And for you a thousand times over.
But I wish to do a million things
A million things in which you don’t reflect.
I guess it was just me who saw you
and that plays in my head like a never ending cassette.   

Another Love Like You

I hate the feeling of the sun rays hitting my face on a Sunday morning
I hate the smell of my new books waiting to be read once in a while
I hate the sound of the birds on my way to work 
I hate the first taste I take of coffee, it’s become vile
I hate the things I used to love because I look for a glimpse of you in everything I do
It’s just so obvious that I’m never going to experience another love like you

I didn’t particularly dislike the smile that came my way today
I didn’t snap at anyone either
I didn’t flinch when the water hit my toes at the beach
And I think I found some beauty in the way fall leaves around me wither
I felt a little better
A bit happier
Your face seems to be vanishing from the things I usually do
You know what, I just might be open to experiencing another love like you

I sang my first karaoke song today without anyone having to ask me twice
I cried my first real tear while reading a book I’ve been wanting to for a while
I smiled my most genuine smile when I saw an old couple cosied up on the park bench
I might’ve have also danced to a song whilst shopping for goods in the third aisle
The current me feels lighter, stronger even and more vulnerable now
There’s more space in her heart to feel things again
But she doesn’t quite just yet know how

I’m getting back to the all things I used to love and it strangely feels new
Because believe it or not I’m experiencing another love like you
But it’s nothing like you.

Run Through The Forest

There’s this place I go
that only I probably know
Where I can let my mind lose
because it’s what I call my chosen home.

The walk through the forest was my get away from everything bad in life
To move away from worries and all things rife.
It wasn’t long before I felt a shadow burdening me more than others
That I was free falling and losing sight of my anchors.

It was when everything good around me was disappearing
that I realised that my hands are tied, my mind – a stiff block and I can’t shake free
My feet felt heavy, my chest felt heavy, my world felt heavy.

It was slow and insidious that I failed to recognise - my home, now a vice
my ashes fading to grey
My happy place seems quite far away.

So now I run through the forest to leave the shadows behind
To have them miss catching my feet and not have them entwined
Just about the time when I think I can see my paradise
Is when my feet get dragged back
And I begin my run again but this time from the finish line. 

What Else Is There To Say

Stretched another boundary, stretched myself a million ways
let the wrong people in again
Fuck! Man, what else is there to say?

I forgave even when my anger was justified
I forgave because I couldn’t keep my sensitivity at bay
It’s the experiences that stay
Fuck! Man, what else is there to say?

Don’t know how careful I want myself to be anymore
How long, till another one comes along and turns my heart grey?
Naivety got the best of me, because I let you in anyway
Fuck! Man, what else is there to say?

I don’t think you see your mistakes and I can’t make you realise them anymore
we’re all adults here, aren’t we
so for both of our faults, why am I left to pay?

Twisted this circumstance way out of hand
Damage control wasn’t an option with which I could play
Had to do away with your aura altogether 
Because fuck man, what else do you want me to say?

You’re All I’ve Ever Known

It was that rainy day that brought me to my senses
washed my eyes to help me see clearly,
of all the ways how the roots of my tree were pulling me down
But I don’t know how to let go, because it’s something I’ve never known.

I tried to cleanse myself of all the weeds growing and encroaching upon my flowers
I tried to break free and blossom,
But I’ve never learnt how to let go of parts that belong to me.

The gloomy day was upon me
And you felt like the sun that I needed,
But you got so hot that I burnt myself
And all my flowers with me
But I don’t know how to let go, because it’s something I’ve never known.

Still, there I was, thinking of how I might’ve held on too tight
As you always see mistakes in yourself than point a finger towards others
Because I’d rather bring myself down
than spoil my view of the rose colored glasses I see you through
So I held on to you too, because it felt like a part of me
You felt like home and I don’t know how to let go.

I botched my beauty up in red for clinging onto you
For it was the only light I found in the sombre life of mine
You’re all I’ve ever known
But here I am begging for you to leave me be
You see, I’m struggling to let go
Because you’re everything that’s under my skin and in my bones.

A Million Love Letters To Myself

When it feels like one of those days where you do not feel like getting out of the bed, 

try to not bring yourself down and take the day off 

Forgive yourself for coming down hard on your own mental peace 

and write one million love letters to yourself.

I get it, it’s been a rough couple of days. 

It’s okay if you didn’t know how let go and just held on in situations that drained the life out of you. 

Forgive yourself for not knowing better 

and write one million love letters to yourself.

Commend yourself on winning those silent battles that you did 

the silent transformations that mattered 

Forgive yourself for your past behaviors 

and write one million love letters to yourself.

You are incredible for who you have become today

Give yourself a bit of credit, It hasn’t been easy – I know 

Do not feel guilty for being vulnerable and being unable to move on from certain people and situations, just 

Forgive yourself for sharing yourself with people who may not have been right 

and write one million love letters to yourself.

It’s been long, 

Healthy looks like a great color on you, if you ask me 

your eyes are shining,

you seem to be unable to hide that smile on your face, 

the laughter in your voice and the lightness of your heart. 

Forgive yourself for holding onto trauma for too long because that was the only safe place you knew 

and write one million love letters to yourself. 

I Hate That I Can’t Tell You This

I’m going to act like I’m good and that I have everything under control till I numb myself of feeling anything towards you.

You broke me 10,000 different ways but I learned to put myself back up each time. Even the slightest mention of your name brought me to my knees, you brought me to my knees. It shattered me to mend my brokenness, caused by your callousness, all by myself.

I hate myself for not getting over you sooner. I hate that I couldn't tellget my pieces back together better, I hate myself for losing parts of me along the way just to please you but I hate myself even more for not being able to hate you. Believe me when I say that I tried a million different ways but I wasn’t able to bring myself to regret something I once wanted and in doing so I created a lovely little mess for myself. I hate that I can't tell you this.

But not anymore! I refuse to let the thought of you consume me, the thought of your touch move me and the thought of your kisses create a chaos in my heart. I refuse to let you have power over me where I begin to doubt myself and where I went wrong to have you not look back even once and give me the closure I want but not the one I need anymore.
Here I am, writing through my pain – a year later – while I hear news of you messing with your new girls making the rounds. You’ve moved on, leaving me to grasp the dust of your retreating feet on the ground. It hurts, it always did and it will for some time more, but I know I’m stronger than I was before and I’m only going forward from here.

I wish no harm your way but I wish for you to grow up. To grow up and realise that empathy goes a long way. To grow up and realise that your actions were and are never limited to you. To grow up and realise that I still have so much of you left in my heart but I guess I need to grow up and realise that I was just collateral damage in your story. 

The Voicemail

Hey it’s me,

So I wanted to get a couple of things off my chest before I go to sleep tonight. Lately I’ve been thinking about you a lot – to the extent that I miss you and how we used to be.

For the longest time I denied having feelings for you and how we ended didn’t affect me but recently I've come to terms with the strong feelings I had/have towards you and I think you have an idea yourself. It just kills me to act like its okay that you moved on way before I could or can and not show that it hurt when you told me about sleeping with someone after we ended or that you've had endless encounters after me.

I just felt and feel that I'm not good enough for you even as a friend later – forget being an ‘almost something’ to you - because I don't think I ever was considered one judging by your attitude towards me. I tried to be there for you but your convenience just got to me. It was and is always a fight to know how you feel and I just feel like a masochist for allowing you to do this for so long because I have this motherfucking huge soft spot for you. 

It's like I know you but I don't know you at all and I don't know or care that this adds on to your trophies on the shelves of girls who have fallen for you or if you think about me a a super emotional  girl because I fell hard and I just want to be out of this space.

It's just that I don't want to be a physical option or pity parade for someone to walk over whenever they want and feel like and want to move on to people whose priority I can be. This is just me saying the final goodbye because we've always avoided talking about this directly and I just need my closure and get done. I don't expect you to reply and its okay if you laugh this off because I'm done bottling up feelings when I can so easily tell this to you.

I wonder if you'll make the effort of listening to this but anyway I hope you do well in whatever you set your mind on. Love you and bye!

You Think You Know me

Go ahead and tell me
That you know all that there is to me
You've studied every page of my book
To the nth degree

But weren't you ever taught
The book isn't all that it seems?
The things that tell the story
Are the folded chapters and a folio's crease

The storyline isn't everything
You have to watch out for the plot twist and climax
The minute you lose out on the thread of unfolding events
You'll find yourself struggling to keep track

Just when you think you're ahead of the curve
You'll see there's a trilogy
I do not know if you will patiently make it till the end
And maybe see me differently?

It was then, you had judged my cover too soon
You threw the book down and moved over
And as sad it was to see you leave
I knew you weren't much of a reader.  

Looking for Something Blue

I saw my heart getting crushed under your feet
I saw you turn around and leave the shattered ashes there
I smiled that broken smile the only one that shows my true ache
I knew you loved that other girl with whom I couldn’t compare

But looking at the noose hanging in front of me
I think I finally got over you
did I really want to put an end to my life?
Thinking that’s the only way that my soul wouldn’t break in two?

Not thinking what I could possibly do
Oh honey, I think I was looking for something blue,
For something or someone to stop this pain
And helping me feel the happiness that is due.

But I know the world is cruel
and you have no one but yourself
so it’s time to pick the pieces up
to let time help you heal things itself

This is a good thing,
to have a broken heart that is,
it means I tried for something
and as this rush to hate you grew
I forgot you were my something blue!

Wait! I Thought I Was Safe!

Walking down the damp leaf strewn path, the wind blowing the hair off my shoulder, I let the rain slip through my fingers. Clinging the coat tighter to my body, I reached the mountain end, my get away that overlooked the city. Sitting on the metal bench a shiver ran down my spine, the cold, bone chilling. Leaning forward I took out my hands from the warm confines of my jacket. I watched the rain hitting harder and red near my feet mixing with muddy water falling off the cliff. Turning my hands in the air I let the blood wash away from them. I didn’t mean to do it I swear. It was all a spur of the moment or was it?

 His harsh words rang in my mind and my blood started to boil again. Lips pressed in a thin line my head whipped to the side, images of his hands violently abusing my body. Pots and pans flying everywhere, mindless cursing and death glares. It had been an hour and a petty argument about towels on the bathroom floor took an ugly and gruesome turn. I didn’t fight back until a particularly hard throw towards the furnace made my head jerk back and hit on the mantle piece. Pressing my hand against my head I felt warm liquid trickle in between my fingers and onto the nape of my neck.

I watched Ryan from the corner of my eye take another step towards me and that got the gears in my head turning. Grabbing the nearest rod to turn the burning logs in the fireplace I hit him on his legs with all the force I could muster up after being beaten to pulp an hour straight. My eyes snapped open upon hearing an ear piercing shriek and a thud on the wooden floor. There he was writhing in pain, leg turning blue. Gathering up my senses I hoisted myself up using the metal rod in my hand. Lost in agony Ryan was oblivious to the stance I had taken behind him, grip strong on the tool in my hand.

The years of pain, constant nagging, endless fights, sleepless nights, incessant mornings of waking up with a sore body, swollen eyes and before I knew my hands were up in the air swinging the rod with full vigour and smashing the back of my sweet little husband’s head. Eyes widened, breaths got heavier and I could hear my heart beating in my ears. I fell to the floor realising what I had done, frantically trying to wake Ryan up. Horror flashed before my eyes holding my shaking bloody hands in front of my face. Seeing that it was too late I ran to my room grabbed my already packed bag and made a run out of the house, without a second glance.

 The distant sound of the police siren nearing my region of rest broke me out of my trance, disrupting my train of thought. Standing up, I lazily made my way to the bus approaching the bus stop opposite to the cliff. Placing my hand on the metal support, one foot on the bus step I glanced back to the place of poignant memories, the one I was ready to leave behind and start afresh. Feeling as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, I hopped on the bus light heartedly, with a smug grin on my face, content with how the chain of events in my life came to a satisfied end. Oh wait? Did I say the end? Sigh, if only my dearest friend, if only that was the case!

The Grim Reaper

The beeping of the monitor started slowing down

And I felt mother's pull on my hospital gown.

Suddenly the room started to get dizzy,

And in a flash my friend, the world felt heavy!

It felt as if the penultimate stage of my illness alas! got to me,

Those endless years of hoping to be free

Seemed pointless,

As I felt my soul waiting,

Waiting to just escape and flee.

The chaos in the room started to fade away,

The nurse frantically searching for tools on the doctor's tray.

"You'll be fine, just keep your eyes open", she said

Little did she know my friend, hope was long gone 

And the disease just wanted me to slip away in the hands of death.

The incessant wailing of my mother stopped,

Her pleas wanting the doctor to circumvent me from dying 

Seemed a little far fetched given my state.

Haltingly sleeping to begin again on the other side 

I sighed a happy smile, feeling the pain subside,

The thread between life and death 

Finally untied! 

The Dowager

She sat at the edge of the board walk with feet dipped ankle high in the water, eyes staring out to the ripples created  by the mid morning sun in the sea green ocean water. Her mind wandered back to the poignant memories she shared with him. 

"Kindly read your vows", announced the priest out loud. A grin appeared on my face when the man I loved whole heartedly stood fumbling with a paper in his shaking hands in front of me. Clearing his throat he began, "I remember the day we first bumped into each other in that cafe. I swear you were the most beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on. I found myself staring at you lost in some kind of a trance while you explained with that adorable panic in your voice of how you weren't looking where you were going before you spilled your coffee all over me". She smiled recalling that day.

"So here's to all the things that wound us up in this state today, you in a white dress and me wondering how in the whole world did I ever get so lucky to have you by my side. Right here, right now I ask you to be my peace as we journey together on this wonderful path. I want you to be my escape, my home and your plain simple self to balance this crazy thing called life that would happen to us, bringing with it the many ups and downs that we get to face together. I promise to cherish you for the rest of my life and to hold you today and for eternity, to protect your delicate self when the going gets a little too tough". I noticed as his eyes started to get glossy. "I just..", he chuckled "I'm just so in love with you". I let out a watery laugh myself. From my peripheral view I saw the audience of the church gape lovingly at us and a few women dabbing their face with a tissue to circumvent the tears from falling.

A tap on the shoulder interrupted her train of thought. "We're ready to go", said her daughter, the first to the break the sad silence the woman was reminiscing in. Arriving at their destination and taking a deep breath they walked towards the crowd of people gathered in the middle of the enclosed ground. 

She watched the casket being lowered into the ground with numbness surrounding her. As the last rites were read out and everyone left, she sat near his grave mindlessly brushing her fingers on the grave that read "I promise to hold you forever and always; Tom Landon, September 1931- May 2015". Getting up and brushing the dust off her clothes while smiling at the memory a barely audible 'Forvever and Always' was whispered before she turned and walked away. 

The Heartbreak Kid

I should've seen it coming from a mile away,

The day you left me and walked the other way.

I just asked a simple question didn't I? The moment we blossomed and you said;

"Of course! I would never do that to you"

Oh how my face changed several hues,

Before it set on the crimson red that my cheeks blushed,

And your 'I would always love you' came out a little hushed.

I should've taken that as a sign of your hesitation of commitment towards me,

But I was too blinded by my love for you, to open my heart and mind to see.

So I ask out loud again;

"If I break along the way would you help me pick up my shattered pieces or would you walk away"? 

I got my answer as clear as day,

The day you left me to walk the other way.