I Hate That I Can’t Tell You This

I’m going to act like I’m good and that I have everything under control till I numb myself of feeling anything towards you.

You broke me 10,000 different ways but I learned to put myself back up each time. Even the slightest mention of your name brought me to my knees, you brought me to my knees. It shattered me to mend my brokenness, caused by your callousness, all by myself.

I hate myself for not getting over you sooner. I hate that I couldn't tellget my pieces back together better, I hate myself for losing parts of me along the way just to please you but I hate myself even more for not being able to hate you. Believe me when I say that I tried a million different ways but I wasn’t able to bring myself to regret something I once wanted and in doing so I created a lovely little mess for myself. I hate that I can't tell you this.

But not anymore! I refuse to let the thought of you consume me, the thought of your touch move me and the thought of your kisses create a chaos in my heart. I refuse to let you have power over me where I begin to doubt myself and where I went wrong to have you not look back even once and give me the closure I want but not the one I need anymore.
Here I am, writing through my pain – a year later – while I hear news of you messing with your new girls making the rounds. You’ve moved on, leaving me to grasp the dust of your retreating feet on the ground. It hurts, it always did and it will for some time more, but I know I’m stronger than I was before and I’m only going forward from here.

I wish no harm your way but I wish for you to grow up. To grow up and realise that empathy goes a long way. To grow up and realise that your actions were and are never limited to you. To grow up and realise that I still have so much of you left in my heart but I guess I need to grow up and realise that I was just collateral damage in your story. 

The Voicemail

Hey it’s me,

So I wanted to get a couple of things off my chest before I go to sleep tonight. Lately I’ve been thinking about you a lot – to the extent that I miss you and how we used to be.

For the longest time I denied having feelings for you and how we ended didn’t affect me but recently I've come to terms with the strong feelings I had/have towards you and I think you have an idea yourself. It just kills me to act like its okay that you moved on way before I could or can and not show that it hurt when you told me about sleeping with someone after we ended or that you've had endless encounters after me.

I just felt and feel that I'm not good enough for you even as a friend later – forget being an ‘almost something’ to you - because I don't think I ever was considered one judging by your attitude towards me. I tried to be there for you but your convenience just got to me. It was and is always a fight to know how you feel and I just feel like a masochist for allowing you to do this for so long because I have this motherfucking huge soft spot for you. 

It's like I know you but I don't know you at all and I don't know or care that this adds on to your trophies on the shelves of girls who have fallen for you or if you think about me a a super emotional  girl because I fell hard and I just want to be out of this space.

It's just that I don't want to be a physical option or pity parade for someone to walk over whenever they want and feel like and want to move on to people whose priority I can be. This is just me saying the final goodbye because we've always avoided talking about this directly and I just need my closure and get done. I don't expect you to reply and its okay if you laugh this off because I'm done bottling up feelings when I can so easily tell this to you.

I wonder if you'll make the effort of listening to this but anyway I hope you do well in whatever you set your mind on. Love you and bye!

You Think You Know me

Go ahead and tell me
That you know all that there is to me
You've studied every page of my book
To the nth degree

But weren't you ever taught
The book isn't all that it seems?
The things that tell the story
Are the folded chapters and a folio's crease

The storyline isn't everything
You have to watch out for the plot twist and climax
The minute you lose out on the thread of unfolding events
You'll find yourself struggling to keep track

Just when you think you're ahead of the curve
You'll see there's a trilogy
I do not know if you will patiently make it till the end
And maybe see me differently?

It was then, you had judged my cover too soon
You threw the book down and moved over
And as sad it was to see you leave
I knew you weren't much of a reader.  

Looking for Something Blue

I saw my heart getting crushed under your feet
I saw you turn around and leave the shattered ashes there
I smiled that broken smile the only one that shows my true ache
I knew you loved that other girl with whom I couldn’t compare

But looking at the noose hanging in front of me
I think I finally got over you
did I really want to put an end to my life?
Thinking that’s the only way that my soul wouldn’t break in two?

Not thinking what I could possibly do
Oh honey, I think I was looking for something blue,
For something or someone to stop this pain
And helping me feel the happiness that is due.

But I know the world is cruel
and you have no one but yourself
so it’s time to pick the pieces up
to let time help you heal things itself

This is a good thing,
to have a broken heart that is,
it means I tried for something
and as this rush to hate you grew
I forgot you were my something blue!

Wait! I Thought I Was Safe!

Walking down the damp leaf strewn path, the wind blowing the hair off my shoulder, I let the rain slip through my fingers. Clinging the coat tighter to my body, I reached the mountain end, my get away that overlooked the city. Sitting on the metal bench a shiver ran down my spine, the cold, bone chilling. Leaning forward I took out my hands from the warm confines of my jacket. I watched the rain hitting harder and red near my feet mixing with muddy water falling off the cliff. Turning my hands in the air I let the blood wash away from them. I didn’t mean to do it I swear. It was all a spur of the moment or was it?

 His harsh words rang in my mind and my blood started to boil again. Lips pressed in a thin line my head whipped to the side, images of his hands violently abusing my body. Pots and pans flying everywhere, mindless cursing and death glares. It had been an hour and a petty argument about towels on the bathroom floor took an ugly and gruesome turn. I didn’t fight back until a particularly hard throw towards the furnace made my head jerk back and hit on the mantle piece. Pressing my hand against my head I felt warm liquid trickle in between my fingers and onto the nape of my neck.

I watched Ryan from the corner of my eye take another step towards me and that got the gears in my head turning. Grabbing the nearest rod to turn the burning logs in the fireplace I hit him on his legs with all the force I could muster up after being beaten to pulp an hour straight. My eyes snapped open upon hearing an ear piercing shriek and a thud on the wooden floor. There he was writhing in pain, leg turning blue. Gathering up my senses I hoisted myself up using the metal rod in my hand. Lost in agony Ryan was oblivious to the stance I had taken behind him, grip strong on the tool in my hand.

The years of pain, constant nagging, endless fights, sleepless nights, incessant mornings of waking up with a sore body, swollen eyes and before I knew my hands were up in the air swinging the rod with full vigour and smashing the back of my sweet little husband’s head. Eyes widened, breaths got heavier and I could hear my heart beating in my ears. I fell to the floor realising what I had done, frantically trying to wake Ryan up. Horror flashed before my eyes holding my shaking bloody hands in front of my face. Seeing that it was too late I ran to my room grabbed my already packed bag and made a run out of the house, without a second glance.

 The distant sound of the police siren nearing my region of rest broke me out of my trance, disrupting my train of thought. Standing up, I lazily made my way to the bus approaching the bus stop opposite to the cliff. Placing my hand on the metal support, one foot on the bus step I glanced back to the place of poignant memories, the one I was ready to leave behind and start afresh. Feeling as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, I hopped on the bus light heartedly, with a smug grin on my face, content with how the chain of events in my life came to a satisfied end. Oh wait? Did I say the end? Sigh, if only my dearest friend, if only that was the case!

The Grim Reaper

The beeping of the monitor started slowing down

And I felt mother's pull on my hospital gown.

Suddenly the room started to get dizzy,

And in a flash my friend, the world felt heavy!

It felt as if the penultimate stage of my illness alas! got to me,

Those endless years of hoping to be free

Seemed pointless,

As I felt my soul waiting,

Waiting to just escape and flee.

The chaos in the room started to fade away,

The nurse frantically searching for tools on the doctor's tray.

"You'll be fine, just keep your eyes open", she said

Little did she know my friend, hope was long gone 

And the disease just wanted me to slip away in the hands of death.

The incessant wailing of my mother stopped,

Her pleas wanting the doctor to circumvent me from dying 

Seemed a little far fetched given my state.

Haltingly sleeping to begin again on the other side 

I sighed a happy smile, feeling the pain subside,

The thread between life and death 

Finally untied! 

The Dowager

She sat at the edge of the board walk with feet dipped ankle high in the water, eyes staring out to the ripples created  by the mid morning sun in the sea green ocean water. Her mind wandered back to the poignant memories she shared with him. 

"Kindly read your vows", announced the priest out loud. A grin appeared on my face when the man I loved whole heartedly stood fumbling with a paper in his shaking hands in front of me. Clearing his throat he began, "I remember the day we first bumped into each other in that cafe. I swear you were the most beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on. I found myself staring at you lost in some kind of a trance while you explained with that adorable panic in your voice of how you weren't looking where you were going before you spilled your coffee all over me". She smiled recalling that day.

"So here's to all the things that wound us up in this state today, you in a white dress and me wondering how in the whole world did I ever get so lucky to have you by my side. Right here, right now I ask you to be my peace as we journey together on this wonderful path. I want you to be my escape, my home and your plain simple self to balance this crazy thing called life that would happen to us, bringing with it the many ups and downs that we get to face together. I promise to cherish you for the rest of my life and to hold you today and for eternity, to protect your delicate self when the going gets a little too tough". I noticed as his eyes started to get glossy. "I just..", he chuckled "I'm just so in love with you". I let out a watery laugh myself. From my peripheral view I saw the audience of the church gape lovingly at us and a few women dabbing their face with a tissue to circumvent the tears from falling.

A tap on the shoulder interrupted her train of thought. "We're ready to go", said her daughter, the first to the break the sad silence the woman was reminiscing in. Arriving at their destination and taking a deep breath they walked towards the crowd of people gathered in the middle of the enclosed ground. 

She watched the casket being lowered into the ground with numbness surrounding her. As the last rites were read out and everyone left, she sat near his grave mindlessly brushing her fingers on the grave that read "I promise to hold you forever and always; Tom Landon, September 1931- May 2015". Getting up and brushing the dust off her clothes while smiling at the memory a barely audible 'Forvever and Always' was whispered before she turned and walked away.