What Else Is There To Say

Stretched another boundary, stretched myself a million ways
let the wrong people in again
Fuck! Man, what else is there to say?

I forgave even when my anger was justified
I forgave because I couldn’t keep my sensitivity at bay
It’s the experiences that stay
Fuck! Man, what else is there to say?

Don’t know how careful I want myself to be anymore
How long, till another one comes along and turns my heart grey?
Naivety got the best of me, because I let you in anyway
Fuck! Man, what else is there to say?

I don’t think you see your mistakes and I can’t make you realise them anymore
we’re all adults here, aren’t we
so for both of our faults, why am I left to pay?

Twisted this circumstance way out of hand
Damage control wasn’t an option with which I could play
Had to do away with your aura altogether 
Because fuck man, what else do you want me to say?

You’re All I’ve Ever Known

It was that rainy day that brought me to my senses
washed my eyes to help me see clearly,
of all the ways how the roots of my tree were pulling me down
But I don’t know how to let go, because it’s something I’ve never known.

I tried to cleanse myself of all the weeds growing and encroaching upon my flowers
I tried to break free and blossom,
But I’ve never learnt how to let go of parts that belong to me.

The gloomy day was upon me
And you felt like the sun that I needed,
But you got so hot that I burnt myself
And all my flowers with me
But I don’t know how to let go, because it’s something I’ve never known.

Still, there I was, thinking of how I might’ve held on too tight
As you always see mistakes in yourself than point a finger towards others
Because I’d rather bring myself down
than spoil my view of the rose colored glasses I see you through
So I held on to you too, because it felt like a part of me
You felt like home and I don’t know how to let go.

I botched my beauty up in red for clinging onto you
For it was the only light I found in the sombre life of mine
You’re all I’ve ever known
But here I am begging for you to leave me be
You see, I’m struggling to let go
Because you’re everything that’s under my skin and in my bones.

A Million Love Letters To Myself

When it feels like one of those days where you do not feel like getting out of the bed, 

try to not bring yourself down and take the day off 

Forgive yourself for coming down hard on your own mental peace 

and write one million love letters to yourself.

I get it, it’s been a rough couple of days. 

It’s okay if you didn’t know how let go and just held on in situations that drained the life out of you. 

Forgive yourself for not knowing better 

and write one million love letters to yourself.

Commend yourself on winning those silent battles that you did 

the silent transformations that mattered 

Forgive yourself for your past behaviors 

and write one million love letters to yourself.

You are incredible for who you have become today

Give yourself a bit of credit, It hasn’t been easy – I know 

Do not feel guilty for being vulnerable and being unable to move on from certain people and situations, just 

Forgive yourself for sharing yourself with people who may not have been right 

and write one million love letters to yourself.

It’s been long, 

Healthy looks like a great color on you, if you ask me 

your eyes are shining,

you seem to be unable to hide that smile on your face, 

the laughter in your voice and the lightness of your heart. 

Forgive yourself for holding onto trauma for too long because that was the only safe place you knew 

and write one million love letters to yourself. 

I Hate That I Can’t Tell You This

I’m going to act like I’m good and that I have everything under control till I numb myself of feeling anything towards you.

You broke me 10,000 different ways but I learned to put myself back up each time. Even the slightest mention of your name brought me to my knees, you brought me to my knees. It shattered me to mend my brokenness, caused by your callousness, all by myself.

I hate myself for not getting over you sooner. I hate that I couldn't tellget my pieces back together better, I hate myself for losing parts of me along the way just to please you but I hate myself even more for not being able to hate you. Believe me when I say that I tried a million different ways but I wasn’t able to bring myself to regret something I once wanted and in doing so I created a lovely little mess for myself. I hate that I can't tell you this.

But not anymore! I refuse to let the thought of you consume me, the thought of your touch move me and the thought of your kisses create a chaos in my heart. I refuse to let you have power over me where I begin to doubt myself and where I went wrong to have you not look back even once and give me the closure I want but not the one I need anymore.
Here I am, writing through my pain – a year later – while I hear news of you messing with your new girls making the rounds. You’ve moved on, leaving me to grasp the dust of your retreating feet on the ground. It hurts, it always did and it will for some time more, but I know I’m stronger than I was before and I’m only going forward from here.

I wish no harm your way but I wish for you to grow up. To grow up and realise that empathy goes a long way. To grow up and realise that your actions were and are never limited to you. To grow up and realise that I still have so much of you left in my heart but I guess I need to grow up and realise that I was just collateral damage in your story. 

The Voicemail

Hey it’s me,

So I wanted to get a couple of things off my chest before I go to sleep tonight. Lately I’ve been thinking about you a lot – to the extent that I miss you and how we used to be.

For the longest time I denied having feelings for you and how we ended didn’t affect me but recently I've come to terms with the strong feelings I had/have towards you and I think you have an idea yourself. It just kills me to act like its okay that you moved on way before I could or can and not show that it hurt when you told me about sleeping with someone after we ended or that you've had endless encounters after me.

I just felt and feel that I'm not good enough for you even as a friend later – forget being an ‘almost something’ to you - because I don't think I ever was considered one judging by your attitude towards me. I tried to be there for you but your convenience just got to me. It was and is always a fight to know how you feel and I just feel like a masochist for allowing you to do this for so long because I have this motherfucking huge soft spot for you. 

It's like I know you but I don't know you at all and I don't know or care that this adds on to your trophies on the shelves of girls who have fallen for you or if you think about me a a super emotional  girl because I fell hard and I just want to be out of this space.

It's just that I don't want to be a physical option or pity parade for someone to walk over whenever they want and feel like and want to move on to people whose priority I can be. This is just me saying the final goodbye because we've always avoided talking about this directly and I just need my closure and get done. I don't expect you to reply and its okay if you laugh this off because I'm done bottling up feelings when I can so easily tell this to you.

I wonder if you'll make the effort of listening to this but anyway I hope you do well in whatever you set your mind on. Love you and bye!

You Think You Know me

Go ahead and tell me
That you know all that there is to me
You've studied every page of my book
To the nth degree

But weren't you ever taught
The book isn't all that it seems?
The things that tell the story
Are the folded chapters and a folio's crease

The storyline isn't everything
You have to watch out for the plot twist and climax
The minute you lose out on the thread of unfolding events
You'll find yourself struggling to keep track

Just when you think you're ahead of the curve
You'll see there's a trilogy
I do not know if you will patiently make it till the end
And maybe see me differently?

It was then, you had judged my cover too soon
You threw the book down and moved over
And as sad it was to see you leave
I knew you weren't much of a reader.  

Looking for Something Blue

I saw my heart getting crushed under your feet
I saw you turn around and leave the shattered ashes there
I smiled that broken smile the only one that shows my true ache
I knew you loved that other girl with whom I couldn’t compare

But looking at the noose hanging in front of me
I think I finally got over you
did I really want to put an end to my life?
Thinking that’s the only way that my soul wouldn’t break in two?

Not thinking what I could possibly do
Oh honey, I think I was looking for something blue,
For something or someone to stop this pain
And helping me feel the happiness that is due.

But I know the world is cruel
and you have no one but yourself
so it’s time to pick the pieces up
to let time help you heal things itself

This is a good thing,
to have a broken heart that is,
it means I tried for something
and as this rush to hate you grew
I forgot you were my something blue!