Doesn't Feel Easy

The world seemed easier when I was 4
When all there was to life was play
and use rock, paper, scissors to settle a score.
When all you had on your plate were ABCs
To get your pain fixed with a simple band aid
When you scraped your knee.

The world seemed easier when I was 6
When you’d take a ball and stack up bricks
You’d hit the stack hard to make it fall with all your might
You’d think you had tasted victory when your team won
Just to feel that thrill, you would do it again every night.

The world seemed easier when I was 8
When winning a Mario Bros game was more popular than Fortnite
The clashes for consoles with your siblings were equally competitive
But none of you would go down without a fight

The world seemed easier when I turned 10
I remember, in school I switched a pencil for a pen
I felt like an adult alright, middle school here I come
all ready to clean my dirty PT shoes with a chalk and turn them white

The word seemed easier when I was 12
When library period now consisted of
Switching from tinkle digests
To reading newspapers kept on shelves

The world got confusing when I turned 14
When liars and broken friendships came into the scene
I wondered at that age too
Why the people I held so close
Started to make relationships feel utterly mean

I bounced back when I turned 16
When I became resilient towards shallow characters
And their empty words in between.

The world got real at 18
A little too real, I feel
When being unemotional and crass became the new cool
And instead of communicating your thoughts
You were applauded for being ‘level headed’
And having a heart of steel.

The world post 20, seemed heavier still
Happier yet heavier with the thought
That not everyone will return your goodwill
Where the cutthroat competition would make you feel like roadkill

But you’ll come out wiser
When you will learn to choose to keep certain people at bay
You will understand that the world has much more to it than the usual black and white
And life will finally make sense when you’ll find comfort in reading the grey.

You Are Enough

I do my hair; I wipe my tears and the makeup with it
I say out loud to my reflection in the mirror “I am easy to love”.
I am easy to love and I refuse to believe otherwise.
Communication, respect and encouragement are basic and I let someone have the power over me to make me feel crazy for asking for it in the capacity I did.

I’m not easy to forget. Oh, this is a tough one!
You looked me in the eye and told me I’m not someone that anyone will forget.
The lack of calls or texts, the feeling of being unwanted
The constant choosing of someone else over me tells me otherwise, love.

I am enough. The wrong ones made me feel the opposite.
It took some getting used to this but I know I’m strong.
You’ll always be inadequate and beyond the ones who aren’t equipped to handle your fire
You don’t become wrong in your existence overnight
You are enough.
The ones who can’t wrap their heads around you make you feel the opposite.  

City On Lockdown

They tell me you were vast before
that you didn’t have walls blocking the view
They swore they could see the park and beyond
Lucky were the chosen few who saw the skies blue

They tell me I used to love to play
To hide behind the cars with my friends
And out came the memory of never wanting to go home
The wind catching my hair while falling down - the only thing my mind replayed.

They tell me stories of foolishness
They tell me stories of playing games where there was a thrill to survive
“I remember jumping the barriers of adjacent houses”,    said my father with a playful glint in his eye.
“I remember making your grandma mad
 I remember because I knocked up a beehive.”

They tell me they ripped the city apart One lane and town at a time“I wish I had a youth like you”, I say,“I wish I could press rewind.”

What I’d never believe is when they’d tell me you’ll be empty
But here I am seeing your leaves wither away
The people all holed up inside their comforts
This is one season, I wish, didn’t stay.

They tell me you’ll someday get back on track
You have to, you see!
I want the kids running and dogs playing and for the neighbours to meet and laugh
I want the subtle joys of life back.

I know it’s a city on lockdown
but the dilemma is -
I got a whole suitcase of childhood memories I’ve got to unpack.    

Easy to Lose Yourself

We live in a world where it is easy to lose sight of yourself. It’s because we spend hours waiting on a message or call from that special someone that is probably out on another date and didn’t give our message a second glance. We base our self-worth on the number of likes our Instagram posts get. We corrupt the value of the love we have to give and that we deserve on whether or not we made it onto someone’s story on a special anniversary or birthday. We spend most of our time working our minds dry into overthinking about the ‘what ifs’ circling matters that can be solved with a simple conversation. Relationships have watered down to putting on a show of how happy a couple you are on social media but in reality, we tend to put important issues on the backburner in the name of giving the other person this vague concept we call ‘space’ nowadays. We simply move on from gut wrenching fights with loved ones, consisting of friends and family, without an actual apology because we talk ourselves into thinking abuse masked as love is love after all and that’s normal. It isn’t normal. We go out of our way to do things for people who wouldn’t budge an inch for us. But we do it anyway because we feel that our actions somewhere might change the ones we so wrongly choose to keep in our lives despite backlash from those who, in reality, would cross oceans and mountains for us. 

It is easy to lose sight of ourselves because the validation of the superficial outer world feels better in those moments, where we dread to be alone with our thoughts so damn much that we simply look away from parts within us that we ourselves haven’t accepted. Because its better to turn a blind eye to your rough edges that you see so clearly in the mirror of your journey than fix them and face the same truth that makes you the greatest version of yourself

One Eighty Five

I’ll always remember the ride we took
Deep inside the forest nook,
Where the winds blew cold
And the tree branches shook,
And I remember the feeling of my eyes being hooked

Hooked onto the wonder that I’m alive
Alive to see an adventure beyond you and I,
Makes me feel that I’m not just here to survive
It’s that 2am empty road I wanna drive,
Gassing the engine up at maybe one eighty-five.

One eighty-five past the cold that gives the chill  

One eighty-five past that endless hill,
Past the meadows and mountains and the broken windmill
One eighty-five one last time for my heart, just to feel the thrill.

So, take me back to where the skies are blue
Where it felt like all my dreams will come true,
While you stare at it and call it new
But all I’ll see would be a dark sapphire hue.

Take me back to where the streets run full
Where the people and the city have a certain pull,
Where the aura feels like it’s the final call
The final call where bad luck won’t befall. 

Take My Hand, I’m Going to See This Through

You look broken, almost shattered really.The pain and burden weighing you downYou say you’ve felt like this your whole lifeHeavy is the head that wears the crown.

It comes and goes in bouts
you’re losing faith with each passing day
You say you’ve felt empty your whole life
That you wouldn’t recognize healthy if it came your way.

So, you start to pick the pieces up
The tears seem to blur your vision
You shut your eyes and squeeze them hard
Hoping it’ll stop the hurt and create a diversion.

It’s tough being vocal
It’s tough to put on a brave face
You say you’ve felt like this your whole life
The eyes tell me it’s peace you chase.

You bore the brunt of brutal actions
You were at the receiving end of harsh words said with no regret,
Yet your heart was open and understanding
You just don’t get it, do you?
You function from beyond a point of where the world has been set.

So, I ask you to breathe,
To take my hand and leave behind what worries you
It isn’t easy,
because the way you push back doesn’t feel new
I stand my ground and pull you in
To make you realize that we’re going to see this through

You looked broken, almost shattered really
The day that I met you
And you began to pick the pieces up again
But this time, we’re together, hand in hand
Staring at the view
Gazing, at a better you.

Did You See Me?

I longed for your feathered touch the day we crossed paths
But I couldn’t be unabashedly truthful of all the ways I wanted it in
So I walked the other way
Your eyes and lips leaving behind an itching taste in my mouth
Did you see me or did I see you?

Subtle smirks turned into full blown laughs
Subtle touches to hugs I’ve come to love
I think I liked the way you told me about the things that gave you the jitters
But I love the way you want to be held but wouldn’t show
Would ever quit acting that you’re tough?
I think you saw me too the way I see you.

We got too comfortable and like everything
all good things must come to an end
It was through a painful journey I saw you become a fiend.
So, I asked you to love me one more time
Just the way you did that one summer night
The stars were bright but your hold on me felt a little too tight.
Did you ever really see me or did I see you?

If I look closely your reminiscents still exist within me
I dislike it but I could never hate it
But I tend not to dwell because of the light I found within myself
It was my mind and heart that got set
On this image of your nasty aura but pretty little face
But I never wish that we hadn’t met.

I’d do it all again in a heartbeat
And for you a thousand times over.
But I wish to do a million things
A million things in which you don’t reflect.
I guess it was just me who saw you
and that plays in my head like a never ending cassette.