Did You See Me?

I longed for your feathered touch the day we crossed paths
But I couldn’t be unabashedly truthful of all the ways I wanted it in
So I walked the other way
Your eyes and lips leaving behind an itching taste in my mouth
Did you see me or did I see you?

Subtle smirks turned into full blown laughs
Subtle touches to hugs I’ve come to love
I think I liked the way you told me about the things that gave you the jitters
But I love the way you want to be held but wouldn’t show
Would ever quit acting that you’re tough?
I think you saw me too the way I see you.

We got too comfortable and like everything
all good things must come to an end
It was through a painful journey I saw you become a fiend.
So, I asked you to love me one more time
Just the way you did that one summer night
The stars were bright but your hold on me felt a little too tight.
Did you ever really see me or did I see you?

If I look closely your reminiscents still exist within me
I dislike it but I could never hate it
But I tend not to dwell because of the light I found within myself
It was my mind and heart that got set
On this image of your nasty aura but pretty little face
But I never wish that we hadn’t met.

I’d do it all again in a heartbeat
And for you a thousand times over.
But I wish to do a million things
A million things in which you don’t reflect.
I guess it was just me who saw you
and that plays in my head like a never ending cassette.   

Another Love Like You

I hate the feeling of the sun rays hitting my face on a Sunday morning
I hate the smell of my new books waiting to be read once in a while
I hate the sound of the birds on my way to work 
I hate the first taste I take of coffee, it’s become vile
I hate the things I used to love because I look for a glimpse of you in everything I do
It’s just so obvious that I’m never going to experience another love like you

I didn’t particularly dislike the smile that came my way today
I didn’t snap at anyone either
I didn’t flinch when the water hit my toes at the beach
And I think I found some beauty in the way fall leaves around me wither
I felt a little better
A bit happier
Your face seems to be vanishing from the things I usually do
You know what, I just might be open to experiencing another love like you

I sang my first karaoke song today without anyone having to ask me twice
I cried my first real tear while reading a book I’ve been wanting to for a while
I smiled my most genuine smile when I saw an old couple cosied up on the park bench
I might’ve have also danced to a song whilst shopping for goods in the third aisle
The current me feels lighter, stronger even and more vulnerable now
There’s more space in her heart to feel things again
But she doesn’t quite just yet know how

I’m getting back to the all things I used to love and it strangely feels new
Because believe it or not I’m experiencing another love like you
But it’s nothing like you.

Run Through The Forest

There’s this place I go
that only I probably know
Where I can let my mind lose
because it’s what I call my chosen home.

The walk through the forest was my get away from everything bad in life
To move away from worries and all things rife.
It wasn’t long before I felt a shadow burdening me more than others
That I was free falling and losing sight of my anchors.

It was when everything good around me was disappearing
that I realised that my hands are tied, my mind – a stiff block and I can’t shake free
My feet felt heavy, my chest felt heavy, my world felt heavy.

It was slow and insidious that I failed to recognise - my home, now a vice
my ashes fading to grey
My happy place seems quite far away.

So now I run through the forest to leave the shadows behind
To have them miss catching my feet and not have them entwined
Just about the time when I think I can see my paradise
Is when my feet get dragged back
And I begin my run again but this time from the finish line. 

What Else Is There To Say

Stretched another boundary, stretched myself a million ways
let the wrong people in again
Fuck! Man, what else is there to say?

I forgave even when my anger was justified
I forgave because I couldn’t keep my sensitivity at bay
It’s the experiences that stay
Fuck! Man, what else is there to say?

Don’t know how careful I want myself to be anymore
How long, till another one comes along and turns my heart grey?
Naivety got the best of me, because I let you in anyway
Fuck! Man, what else is there to say?

I don’t think you see your mistakes and I can’t make you realise them anymore
we’re all adults here, aren’t we
so for both of our faults, why am I left to pay?

Twisted this circumstance way out of hand
Damage control wasn’t an option with which I could play
Had to do away with your aura altogether 
Because fuck man, what else do you want me to say?

You’re All I’ve Ever Known

It was that rainy day that brought me to my senses
washed my eyes to help me see clearly,
of all the ways how the roots of my tree were pulling me down
But I don’t know how to let go, because it’s something I’ve never known.

I tried to cleanse myself of all the weeds growing and encroaching upon my flowers
I tried to break free and blossom,
But I’ve never learnt how to let go of parts that belong to me.

The gloomy day was upon me
And you felt like the sun that I needed,
But you got so hot that I burnt myself
And all my flowers with me
But I don’t know how to let go, because it’s something I’ve never known.

Still, there I was, thinking of how I might’ve held on too tight
As you always see mistakes in yourself than point a finger towards others
Because I’d rather bring myself down
than spoil my view of the rose colored glasses I see you through
So I held on to you too, because it felt like a part of me
You felt like home and I don’t know how to let go.

I botched my beauty up in red for clinging onto you
For it was the only light I found in the sombre life of mine
You’re all I’ve ever known
But here I am begging for you to leave me be
You see, I’m struggling to let go
Because you’re everything that’s under my skin and in my bones.

A Million Love Letters To Myself

When it feels like one of those days where you do not feel like getting out of the bed, 

try to not bring yourself down and take the day off 

Forgive yourself for coming down hard on your own mental peace 

and write one million love letters to yourself.

I get it, it’s been a rough couple of days. 

It’s okay if you didn’t know how let go and just held on in situations that drained the life out of you. 

Forgive yourself for not knowing better 

and write one million love letters to yourself.

Commend yourself on winning those silent battles that you did 

the silent transformations that mattered 

Forgive yourself for your past behaviors 

and write one million love letters to yourself.

You are incredible for who you have become today

Give yourself a bit of credit, It hasn’t been easy – I know 

Do not feel guilty for being vulnerable and being unable to move on from certain people and situations, just 

Forgive yourself for sharing yourself with people who may not have been right 

and write one million love letters to yourself.

It’s been long, 

Healthy looks like a great color on you, if you ask me 

your eyes are shining,

you seem to be unable to hide that smile on your face, 

the laughter in your voice and the lightness of your heart. 

Forgive yourself for holding onto trauma for too long because that was the only safe place you knew 

and write one million love letters to yourself. 

I Hate That I Can’t Tell You This

I’m going to act like I’m good and that I have everything under control till I numb myself of feeling anything towards you.

You broke me 10,000 different ways but I learned to put myself back up each time. Even the slightest mention of your name brought me to my knees, you brought me to my knees. It shattered me to mend my brokenness, caused by your callousness, all by myself.

I hate myself for not getting over you sooner. I hate that I couldn't tellget my pieces back together better, I hate myself for losing parts of me along the way just to please you but I hate myself even more for not being able to hate you. Believe me when I say that I tried a million different ways but I wasn’t able to bring myself to regret something I once wanted and in doing so I created a lovely little mess for myself. I hate that I can't tell you this.

But not anymore! I refuse to let the thought of you consume me, the thought of your touch move me and the thought of your kisses create a chaos in my heart. I refuse to let you have power over me where I begin to doubt myself and where I went wrong to have you not look back even once and give me the closure I want but not the one I need anymore.
Here I am, writing through my pain – a year later – while I hear news of you messing with your new girls making the rounds. You’ve moved on, leaving me to grasp the dust of your retreating feet on the ground. It hurts, it always did and it will for some time more, but I know I’m stronger than I was before and I’m only going forward from here.

I wish no harm your way but I wish for you to grow up. To grow up and realise that empathy goes a long way. To grow up and realise that your actions were and are never limited to you. To grow up and realise that I still have so much of you left in my heart but I guess I need to grow up and realise that I was just collateral damage in your story. 

The Voicemail

Hey it’s me,

So I wanted to get a couple of things off my chest before I go to sleep tonight. Lately I’ve been thinking about you a lot – to the extent that I miss you and how we used to be.

For the longest time I denied having feelings for you and how we ended didn’t affect me but recently I've come to terms with the strong feelings I had/have towards you and I think you have an idea yourself. It just kills me to act like its okay that you moved on way before I could or can and not show that it hurt when you told me about sleeping with someone after we ended or that you've had endless encounters after me.

I just felt and feel that I'm not good enough for you even as a friend later – forget being an ‘almost something’ to you - because I don't think I ever was considered one judging by your attitude towards me. I tried to be there for you but your convenience just got to me. It was and is always a fight to know how you feel and I just feel like a masochist for allowing you to do this for so long because I have this motherfucking huge soft spot for you. 

It's like I know you but I don't know you at all and I don't know or care that this adds on to your trophies on the shelves of girls who have fallen for you or if you think about me a a super emotional  girl because I fell hard and I just want to be out of this space.

It's just that I don't want to be a physical option or pity parade for someone to walk over whenever they want and feel like and want to move on to people whose priority I can be. This is just me saying the final goodbye because we've always avoided talking about this directly and I just need my closure and get done. I don't expect you to reply and its okay if you laugh this off because I'm done bottling up feelings when I can so easily tell this to you.

I wonder if you'll make the effort of listening to this but anyway I hope you do well in whatever you set your mind on. Love you and bye!