I Hate That I Can’t Tell You This

I’m going to act like I’m good and that I have everything under control till I numb myself of feeling anything towards you.

You broke me 10,000 different ways but I learned to put myself back up each time. Even the slightest mention of your name brought me to my knees, you brought me to my knees. It shattered me to mend my brokenness, caused by your callousness, all by myself.

I hate myself for not getting over you sooner. I hate that I couldn't tellget my pieces back together better, I hate myself for losing parts of me along the way just to please you but I hate myself even more for not being able to hate you. Believe me when I say that I tried a million different ways but I wasn’t able to bring myself to regret something I once wanted and in doing so I created a lovely little mess for myself. I hate that I can't tell you this.

But not anymore! I refuse to let the thought of you consume me, the thought of your touch move me and the thought of your kisses create a chaos in my heart. I refuse to let you have power over me where I begin to doubt myself and where I went wrong to have you not look back even once and give me the closure I want but not the one I need anymore.
Here I am, writing through my pain – a year later – while I hear news of you messing with your new girls making the rounds. You’ve moved on, leaving me to grasp the dust of your retreating feet on the ground. It hurts, it always did and it will for some time more, but I know I’m stronger than I was before and I’m only going forward from here.

I wish no harm your way but I wish for you to grow up. To grow up and realise that empathy goes a long way. To grow up and realise that your actions were and are never limited to you. To grow up and realise that I still have so much of you left in my heart but I guess I need to grow up and realise that I was just collateral damage in your story. 

The Voicemail

Hey it’s me,

So I wanted to get a couple of things off my chest before I go to sleep tonight. Lately I’ve been thinking about you a lot – to the extent that I miss you and how we used to be.

For the longest time I denied having feelings for you and how we ended didn’t affect me but recently I've come to terms with the strong feelings I had/have towards you and I think you have an idea yourself. It just kills me to act like its okay that you moved on way before I could or can and not show that it hurt when you told me about sleeping with someone after we ended or that you've had endless encounters after me.

I just felt and feel that I'm not good enough for you even as a friend later – forget being an ‘almost something’ to you - because I don't think I ever was considered one judging by your attitude towards me. I tried to be there for you but your convenience just got to me. It was and is always a fight to know how you feel and I just feel like a masochist for allowing you to do this for so long because I have this motherfucking huge soft spot for you. 

It's like I know you but I don't know you at all and I don't know or care that this adds on to your trophies on the shelves of girls who have fallen for you or if you think about me a a super emotional  girl because I fell hard and I just want to be out of this space.

It's just that I don't want to be a physical option or pity parade for someone to walk over whenever they want and feel like and want to move on to people whose priority I can be. This is just me saying the final goodbye because we've always avoided talking about this directly and I just need my closure and get done. I don't expect you to reply and its okay if you laugh this off because I'm done bottling up feelings when I can so easily tell this to you.

I wonder if you'll make the effort of listening to this but anyway I hope you do well in whatever you set your mind on. Love you and bye!